Monday, January 9, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
baby steps
Oh how I love this concept, yet need to relearn/remember it again and again, over and over.
By nature I'm somewhat impatient and all-or-nothing.
As soon as I start jogging, my mind drifts toward that long-dreamed-of marathon.
No, ultramarathon!
As soon as I begin decluttering, I despair that my home will never (and of this I am sure) resemble the serene empty loft of Miss Minimalist.
As soon as I begin to pick up the pile of library books from the floor, I wish the cobwebs on the ceiling and grime behind the fridge were gone forever...
And why can't I remember every anatomy & physiology fact I have memorized,
And fully fund my 403 (b) AND Roth IRA yearly, and.....
Anyway, you get the picture.
What I have learned (and relearned) over the years is that this type of thinking makes me unhappy.
Very unhappy.
Because then life is all about a future point I'm not at yet, a goal that feels unattainable....and not the process.
Life is now, as we live it, this moment.
So....I will choose to point my intentions in the direction I want to go, and take baby steps.
Being satisfied with each movement.
I can't remember where this mantra first came from, but over the years I have reminded myself "Take positive steps toward the good."
It's 2012!
We spent a few days around New Years at the coast with my mom in a luxurious apartment that felt like a boat, looking down over the stormy Pacific Ocean, watching clouds and waves rolling in and out. It was wonderful. Lots of good food & chocolate, family pool time, movies and reading Little Town on the Prairie with G2, exercising in the gym, and TV for my poor deprived boys (no TV reception at home, by choice, though they have recently discovered Hulu). G1 and I connected with House Hunters and were addicted. It's like pornography for people who like looking at homes, especially for those who live in small spaces.
While there, I really, really didn't want to come back home....holidays over, back to work, crowded feeling home, school, and routines.
And yet, when we got back home--it all surprised me by how good it felt. Home is smallish and crowded, but also cozy, warm, and comfortable (and small means easier to clean, not that I do too much of that). Work was refreshingly busy and quick, and I remembered how very much I like my coworkers and feel lucky to do meaningful work I enjoy. The boys settled back into school routines smoothly. G2 is glad to get back to ballet. Minou got some very good professional news. I love my family and am lucky to share my days with them. I feel cheerful. Life is good.
And while I realize that moods ebb and flow like the waves, I want to try to see the the bright side, to choose optimism, and keep my eyes off the anxiously distant goal and focused in front of me on positive steps toward the good. Baby steps!
By nature I'm somewhat impatient and all-or-nothing.
As soon as I start jogging, my mind drifts toward that long-dreamed-of marathon.
No, ultramarathon!
As soon as I begin decluttering, I despair that my home will never (and of this I am sure) resemble the serene empty loft of Miss Minimalist.
As soon as I begin to pick up the pile of library books from the floor, I wish the cobwebs on the ceiling and grime behind the fridge were gone forever...
And why can't I remember every anatomy & physiology fact I have memorized,
And fully fund my 403 (b) AND Roth IRA yearly, and.....
Anyway, you get the picture.
What I have learned (and relearned) over the years is that this type of thinking makes me unhappy.
Very unhappy.
Because then life is all about a future point I'm not at yet, a goal that feels unattainable....and not the process.
Life is now, as we live it, this moment.
So....I will choose to point my intentions in the direction I want to go, and take baby steps.
Being satisfied with each movement.
I can't remember where this mantra first came from, but over the years I have reminded myself "Take positive steps toward the good."
It's 2012!
We spent a few days around New Years at the coast with my mom in a luxurious apartment that felt like a boat, looking down over the stormy Pacific Ocean, watching clouds and waves rolling in and out. It was wonderful. Lots of good food & chocolate, family pool time, movies and reading Little Town on the Prairie with G2, exercising in the gym, and TV for my poor deprived boys (no TV reception at home, by choice, though they have recently discovered Hulu). G1 and I connected with House Hunters and were addicted. It's like pornography for people who like looking at homes, especially for those who live in small spaces.
While there, I really, really didn't want to come back home....holidays over, back to work, crowded feeling home, school, and routines.
And yet, when we got back home--it all surprised me by how good it felt. Home is smallish and crowded, but also cozy, warm, and comfortable (and small means easier to clean, not that I do too much of that). Work was refreshingly busy and quick, and I remembered how very much I like my coworkers and feel lucky to do meaningful work I enjoy. The boys settled back into school routines smoothly. G2 is glad to get back to ballet. Minou got some very good professional news. I love my family and am lucky to share my days with them. I feel cheerful. Life is good.
And while I realize that moods ebb and flow like the waves, I want to try to see the the bright side, to choose optimism, and keep my eyes off the anxiously distant goal and focused in front of me on positive steps toward the good. Baby steps!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Washing Clean
It's raining, raining, raining....
Sheets of rain are pouring down outside and the lovely sound on our metal roof lulls me.
So right for the New Year, washing away all that we want to shed...
for me, too many "shoulds", rigid thinking, anxiety that narrows options...
Let's put it all in positive terms, which are easier for our brains.
Flexibility, awareness, exploration for 2012.
Oh how I love that sound. A dull roaring. Buckets of water! It's beautiful.
Two days ago, I went for a morning run with a special friend in just such weather. When I left the house the sky was still dark, and as it turned to deep blue then dove gray the rain poured down. It was exhilerating. By the time I got home it was only drizzling, but I looked and felt as if I had waded into a cold mountain lake from the waist down (my upper body was clad in something that shed the water). It may not sound pleasant...but it was amazing!
Home today, the gift of a "workweek" day at home.
My Tall One (G1) is sick in bed, G2 is dreaming of inventions probably (we saw Hugo last night). and my plan for today is to cherish the sound of the rain, read as much as I can to G2 (we are reading our way through the Little House series as fast as our schedule allows, so thankful to have a 12 year old son who still likes to read out loud and share stories with me), and maybe head out for another rainy run when Minou returns... lets hope it doesn't slow down!
Happy New Year to you all!
Sheets of rain are pouring down outside and the lovely sound on our metal roof lulls me.
So right for the New Year, washing away all that we want to shed...
for me, too many "shoulds", rigid thinking, anxiety that narrows options...
Let's put it all in positive terms, which are easier for our brains.
Flexibility, awareness, exploration for 2012.
Oh how I love that sound. A dull roaring. Buckets of water! It's beautiful.
Two days ago, I went for a morning run with a special friend in just such weather. When I left the house the sky was still dark, and as it turned to deep blue then dove gray the rain poured down. It was exhilerating. By the time I got home it was only drizzling, but I looked and felt as if I had waded into a cold mountain lake from the waist down (my upper body was clad in something that shed the water). It may not sound pleasant...but it was amazing!
Home today, the gift of a "workweek" day at home.
My Tall One (G1) is sick in bed, G2 is dreaming of inventions probably (we saw Hugo last night). and my plan for today is to cherish the sound of the rain, read as much as I can to G2 (we are reading our way through the Little House series as fast as our schedule allows, so thankful to have a 12 year old son who still likes to read out loud and share stories with me), and maybe head out for another rainy run when Minou returns... lets hope it doesn't slow down!
Happy New Year to you all!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Buffeted
Trying to hold steady over here, tossed by some tempestuous storms of emotion.
Sound effects: The thunder of slamming doors. The lightning bolts of anger.
I want to be a calm and loving rock. Waves wash against me but I am here, steady, comforting.
It's not easy.
What is it about 12? I'm not sure.
Wanting to still be little, cozy up in the sweetness and comfort of rituals. Bedtime song, stories, indulgences.
Wanting to grow up and be have more independence, more choices, more say.
Not wanting the responsibility that comes with such.
Add in the stresses of homework, of peer pressure, of friends in similar yet different stages of caught-between. Add in a brother who in some ways appears to have left the world of childhood behind (though not really, not yet). Leaving 12 in the push and pull of the in-between.
And then a mama away from home working, working far more than the standard 40 hours a week.
A papa struggling to do his best with the demands of running the home front, running the show, building a business. The solid center of home and family: it's here always, but right now feels like an ache of needing more. We need more time together.
Here we are. Trying. Directing our intentions.
Breathe in kindness. Breathe out peace.
And finding moments of quiet jogging through the early morning mist while the sky lightens in the east.
Sound effects: The thunder of slamming doors. The lightning bolts of anger.
I want to be a calm and loving rock. Waves wash against me but I am here, steady, comforting.
It's not easy.
What is it about 12? I'm not sure.
Wanting to still be little, cozy up in the sweetness and comfort of rituals. Bedtime song, stories, indulgences.
Wanting to grow up and be have more independence, more choices, more say.
Not wanting the responsibility that comes with such.
Add in the stresses of homework, of peer pressure, of friends in similar yet different stages of caught-between. Add in a brother who in some ways appears to have left the world of childhood behind (though not really, not yet). Leaving 12 in the push and pull of the in-between.
And then a mama away from home working, working far more than the standard 40 hours a week.
A papa struggling to do his best with the demands of running the home front, running the show, building a business. The solid center of home and family: it's here always, but right now feels like an ache of needing more. We need more time together.
Here we are. Trying. Directing our intentions.
Breathe in kindness. Breathe out peace.
And finding moments of quiet jogging through the early morning mist while the sky lightens in the east.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Jam Packed
The days and weeks fly by. Tuesday, again? How did that happen?
Why does time seem to speed up more and more the older I get?
Sometimes the hours feel too full to accomplish all I want to do.
But what I most want to do is slow down and just be.
Soon. This weekend we're going away.
I'm really looking forward to a mini-vacation together as a family.
I have a big stack of books on CD for the long car trip south through the mountains: Bill Bryson, Car Talk, Dave Barry, This American Life. Something for every family member.
And when we arrive at our destination: walking, cooking, swimming, cuddling, movie watching, relaxing....
But in the meantime: lesson planning, quiz writing, homework helping, homework correcting, working, shopping, packing. Back to it!
Having something to look forward to is so helpful.
Why does time seem to speed up more and more the older I get?
Sometimes the hours feel too full to accomplish all I want to do.
But what I most want to do is slow down and just be.
Soon. This weekend we're going away.
I'm really looking forward to a mini-vacation together as a family.
I have a big stack of books on CD for the long car trip south through the mountains: Bill Bryson, Car Talk, Dave Barry, This American Life. Something for every family member.
And when we arrive at our destination: walking, cooking, swimming, cuddling, movie watching, relaxing....
But in the meantime: lesson planning, quiz writing, homework helping, homework correcting, working, shopping, packing. Back to it!
Having something to look forward to is so helpful.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Spa
I had an odd dream a few nights ago...
We had transformed our little house into a cottage-industry spa. Facials in the bathroom, massage in the living room, and eyebrow-waxing at the kitchen table. Customers were lining up in the garden.
??
This may have had something to do with the Korean day spa I visited while in SF, but I took it as a sign that we needed a little more pampering. (Though I have never had anything waxed, myself). I forgot to get a picture, but last night there were three green-faced folks sitting on the couch watching the West Wing (G2 declined to participate). The combination of weekly French green clay facial masks and Greek olive oil soap has really improved my skin. A new glow....
When life is too busy, the little moments of self-care feel so good.
What are some little things you do to care for yourself?
We had transformed our little house into a cottage-industry spa. Facials in the bathroom, massage in the living room, and eyebrow-waxing at the kitchen table. Customers were lining up in the garden.
??
This may have had something to do with the Korean day spa I visited while in SF, but I took it as a sign that we needed a little more pampering. (Though I have never had anything waxed, myself). I forgot to get a picture, but last night there were three green-faced folks sitting on the couch watching the West Wing (G2 declined to participate). The combination of weekly French green clay facial masks and Greek olive oil soap has really improved my skin. A new glow....
When life is too busy, the little moments of self-care feel so good.
What are some little things you do to care for yourself?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Mono No Aware
Long silence.
My boys/men came home. Wonderful to have them here, home.
And an adjustment. We had a few unsteady weeks as we all found our new routines--boys jumping right back into school and activities, medical appointments, catching up on missed summer activities while the weather allowed...camping. biking. friends. Me trying to keep up with the new levels of laundry, happy noise, piles of giant shoes and homework on the floor.
Now, we are in a good rhythm. And autumn is really upon us, and as I do every year, I resisted, resisted, and then made peace with it. I do love the beauty of this season. It is also so poignant. When the grey skies and rain settles in and the mornings and evenings grow darker, something pulls at me, a lingering ache, a twinge of sadness mixed with appreciation for the temporariness of everything.
Mono no aware: the pathos of things.
My boys/men came home. Wonderful to have them here, home.
And an adjustment. We had a few unsteady weeks as we all found our new routines--boys jumping right back into school and activities, medical appointments, catching up on missed summer activities while the weather allowed...camping. biking. friends. Me trying to keep up with the new levels of laundry, happy noise, piles of giant shoes and homework on the floor.
Now, we are in a good rhythm. And autumn is really upon us, and as I do every year, I resisted, resisted, and then made peace with it. I do love the beauty of this season. It is also so poignant. When the grey skies and rain settles in and the mornings and evenings grow darker, something pulls at me, a lingering ache, a twinge of sadness mixed with appreciation for the temporariness of everything.
Mono no aware: the pathos of things.
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