Buffeted

Trying to hold steady over here, tossed by some tempestuous storms of emotion.
Sound effects: The thunder of slamming doors. The lightning bolts of anger.
I want to be a calm and loving rock. Waves wash against me but I am here, steady, comforting.
It's not easy.

What is it about 12? I'm not sure.
Wanting to still be little, cozy up in the sweetness and comfort of rituals. Bedtime song, stories, indulgences.
Wanting to grow up and be have more independence, more choices, more say.
Not wanting the responsibility that comes with such.
Add in the stresses of homework, of peer pressure, of friends in similar yet different stages of caught-between. Add in a brother who in some ways appears to have left the world of childhood behind (though not really, not yet). Leaving 12 in the push and pull of the in-between.

And then a mama away from home working, working far more than the standard 40 hours a week.
A papa struggling to do his best with the demands of running the home front, running the show, building a business. The solid center of home and family: it's here always, but right now feels like an ache of needing more. We need more time together.

Here we are. Trying. Directing our intentions.
Breathe in kindness. Breathe out peace.

And finding  moments of quiet jogging through the early morning mist while the sky lightens in the east.

Jam Packed

The days and weeks fly by. Tuesday, again? How did that happen?
Why does time seem to speed up more and more the older I get?
Sometimes the hours feel too full to accomplish all I want to do.
But what I most want to do is slow down and just be.

Soon. This weekend we're going away.
I'm really looking forward to a mini-vacation together as a family.
I have a big stack of books on CD for the long car trip south through the mountains: Bill Bryson, Car Talk, Dave Barry, This American Life. Something for every family member.

And when we arrive at our destination: walking, cooking, swimming, cuddling, movie watching, relaxing....

But in the meantime: lesson planning, quiz writing, homework helping, homework correcting, working, shopping, packing. Back to it!

Having something to look forward to is so helpful.

Spa

I had an odd dream a few nights ago...

We had transformed our little house into a cottage-industry spa. Facials in the bathroom, massage in the living room, and eyebrow-waxing at the kitchen table. Customers were lining up in the garden.

??

This may have had something to do with the Korean day spa I visited while in SF, but I took it as a sign that we needed a little more pampering. (Though I have never had anything waxed, myself). I forgot to get a picture, but last night there were three green-faced folks sitting on the couch watching the West Wing (G2 declined to participate). The combination of weekly French green clay facial masks and Greek olive oil soap has really improved my skin. A new glow....

When life is too busy, the little moments of self-care feel so good.

What are some little things you do to care for yourself?

Mono No Aware

Long silence.
My boys/men came home. Wonderful to have them here, home.
And an adjustment. We had a few unsteady weeks as we all found our new routines--boys jumping right back into school and activities, medical appointments, catching up on missed summer activities while the weather allowed...camping. biking. friends. Me trying to keep up with the new levels of laundry, happy noise, piles of giant shoes and homework on the floor.

Now, we are in a good rhythm. And autumn is really upon us, and as I do every year, I resisted, resisted, and then made peace with it. I do love the beauty of this season. It is also so poignant. When the grey skies and rain settles in and the mornings and evenings grow darker, something pulls at me, a lingering ache, a twinge of sadness mixed with appreciation for the temporariness of everything.

Mono no aware: the pathos of things.