january 1

New Year's Eve was less than hoped at our home...a good lesson in letting go of expectations.
I worked all day and was more tired than I realized. I also ate more doughnuts than were good for me.
(that would be any number over 0, right?)
I walked home in the dark evening, as Minou was making sandwiches at the cold-weather homeless shelter.
We ate late, a special Italian gratin Minou prepared. Tasty.
But somehow at dinner, the energy was not good. Both p'tit minous came down hard on me, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of. No matter. I did not respond well, felt ganged up on, left the table and went upstairs to the Attic to read (Mountains Beyond Mountains, very inspiring so far).
Came back down, had dessert also prepared by Minou.
The boys (which includes Minou) watched an inane movie, I worked on a puzzle.
At 11 pm I went to to bed, to general disappointment. (Mamie had already gone at 9:30).
None of the family was feeling very happy. That's an understatement.
It was a sad, numb feeling. It is hard to love people, because they can hurt us.
It's hard to remain open when there is that possibility for pain.
But when we close ourselves off, staying safe, we are also closed to love.

I woke up early this morning, it was still dark, and thought,
Keep Trying.
Then I went back to sleep.
A few hours later...
Get up, give kisses, say sorry, and try to stay open. Open to the love and pain.
It's not easy, at least not for me.

Tonight I will Sit for the first time. 10 minutes? 20 minutes? Not sure.